I'm earning way less than my peers. But that's okay

When I was a kid growing up, I used to look down on parents with children in tow on public transport. Are they so poor they cannot afford to get their own car? Surely when I am a parent I would be able to provide for my family. Boy was I so wrong.

This was me before understanding the burdens parents have on their own shoulders, kids (sometimes literally), parents, job insecurities, work and relationship stressors. And this is excluding their own dreams, aspirations and god forbid hobbies! My colleague ten years younger is earning much more than me. My peers are managers and vice presidents, leading teams and all that bullshit. They are driving cars and buying expensive stuff.

How I landed up where I am

I left my previous career of 8 years on a whim, mainly because I was so angry a colleague got promoted but not me. But also underlying all that I was dealing with a toxic colleague (not the same one) that legit gave me PTSD.

I regretted that decision.

Not because I left that job. Oh no. I would gladly leave that job regardless. But leaving without thinking about the longer term plan was bad thinking. Lured by the big headlines and promising pay, I went to the world of AI. Surprise surprise I couldn’t find a decent job and went into software engineering and I’m still stuck in a low paying contract job, struggling to beat my previous pay but oh so loving my work life balance and my work.

Aside from voluntarily reducing my pay and throwing away my previous career’s experience, a bunch of unexpected life circumstances happened that put a damper on my, now our, financial goals.

(Because let’s face it, when you get married your financial goals become your families’ financial goals. Since when a couple can retire by their singular self while the other goes on working. Or if you both retire but one goes to Starbucks and the other goes to kopitiam for their breakfast.)

My pay is still nowhere near what I could have earned if I stayed at my previous career, I’ve not had bonus for 5 years, I would think for days before buying my laptop.

All that glitters is not gold

Money is important of course but it’s not the end all be all of our existence. Money means the difference between your child going to the outdoor playground exposed to the elements to sweat it out or play at the indoor playground at relative comfort. Money means your child is able to go to enrichment classes, get all of the creature comfort being shuffled around by mummy and daddy. It means your child being able to say they went to Japan with mummy, daddy, gong gong and po po when asked where did they go during school holidays.

Everybody loves the image of themselves wearing expensive clothing, driving big cars, looking all impressive but nobody looks beneath the veneer and see what it took for them to get there. Sure, some are just nepo babies but for the everyday folk I would imagine that climbing up the corporate ladder took many scarifies as well.

My wife gotten a promotion to middle management recently. Needless to say, she would greatly prefer being a peon than a boss. The pay is appreciated but the cost in time, energy and stress is so much more disproportionate than the increment.

Being Human

When I was taking the lift at a nearby mall during lunch hour, a group of people came in. “Oh, its B2” she went ahead and pressed the button.

“I cannot remember where I parked my car” she added.

“Oh no, I wonder where I parked mine” another chimed in.

They were no older than me, some were younger and I cannot help but feel a tinge of envy and jealously. Here I am feeling like a big underachiever who cannot afford to buy a car for my family.

Growing up in a family with a car, it was a quiet ambition of mine to own and drive one. My brother-in-law had a car. My brother has one. I always wanted to have one. It was worse when my friends and I started working and they got cars of their own one by one.

I worked out the financials and looked at the number. Sure, I could get one but this means paying a hefty installment and downpayment to it which means lesser money being funneled to my investments. Which would ultimately mean more years spent working, more days fretting whether would I lose my job or not. Even now, the calculus is the same. Sure, I can get one but would I be willing to give up an earlier retirement or a piece of mind all for creature comfort?

I think relative deprivation hits hard especially when we live in such a materialistic society and material wealth is the judge of success.

But of course, ultimately it’s still a choice one has to make. To be part of the race or not. I choose to look poor but be rich rather than look rich and be poor. I choose instead to be grateful at what I do have.

I have eyes that I can see the world, appreciate its beauty. Get lost in movies and look at the smiles of my loved ones.

I can walk. I can run. I can consume popular media. I can play games. I can eat delicious food at the hawker center. I am not suffering from diseases. I have a healthy body and a sound mind. I don’t live under threat of homelessness or death. Just first world problems. And for all of those I am infinitely grateful to be alive. And just existing is fine for me.

Tell me what you want, what you really really want

Like many others, I grew up watching the people around me. My mother gives her money to her mother when she is younger, my dad when she’s married, now even when she is no longer earning anything to her children. Evidently, I grew up with money problems and I told myself I need to be careful with money.

But I think underneath all that, I wanted security. Money is a means to something. That something is buying a peace of mind that you can lose your job without fearing you will be homeless, your basic needs will be protected. The freedom to go around without money worries.

But is this all a case of bad faith? Do I secretly admire the rich and resent being poor? Am I just lying to myself just because I cannot afford cars and condominiums, it is a bad case of sour grapes? Maybe.

I’m still human. And I still feel jealous. I’m not perfect. Sometimes I’ll catch myself thinking: what if I didn’t leave my previous career, I would be at least a VP now and be just like them. I’ll have a car, I’ll have lots of money, I’ll have no money worries.

I’m earning way lesser than my peers. But I’m okay. Mostly. I acknowledge that owning expensive cars and condominiums means having jobs that can be very stressful and very time consuming. I acknowledge that I value more time doing what I want, having a peace of mind than working a stressful job. Not having a car and condominiums means more money channeling towards my retirement. But I’m also human, I’m jealous sometimes but I’m also content of what I do have. Right now. Mostly.